if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Is it penis luge time yet?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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