I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
