____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
