SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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