He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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