it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize