Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
