when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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