We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
