I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
