Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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