i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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