It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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