YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
