Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
