I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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