I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
