God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
