My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
