There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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