I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
