i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
