Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
