u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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