my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
God I need to hump something, right now.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
