I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
