News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
