70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize