Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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