When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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