Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i think i just lost a toe
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
