the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
