I cockslap morals
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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