If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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