winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize