hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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