She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I supernannyed him into submission
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
