You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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