I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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