Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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