cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
