Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
