i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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