I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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