Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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