i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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