I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
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