Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize