I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
