take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
