I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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