When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
