the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
