i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
