Im at strip club and am horny
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
